"Lie's at the Alter" Discussion
I found this book very useful. I took to heart the "show up as a grown up" lesson and the Mirroring exercise. I don't feel that I learned anything really new but rather it shed light on things that I would have rather kept ignoring.
I do think it was a thinking book and wish I would have read it a few years ago. I think that while this is a relationship book (either companions, engaged or marriage) I do think that many of the lessons regarding communication can be used by friends, parents and so on.
Communication is KEY and remembering that communication is more than just words is a true life lesson.
posted by Erika @ 10:06 AM
17 comments
17 Comments:
it's such a cliche, but so true...it's all about the communication between two people. it helps when you "click" with or "get" people because then there's so much you don't have to say or so much less. i think you and dan have a real connection and will be fine. at least, that's what his favorite stripper told me.
Communication is vital, especially when there are difficult problems or issues that neither one of you particually want to address. You have to be able to talk to your partner about everything most importantly the UGLY stuff, even when you'd rather not.
Or "hot button" topics like "Why I hate your Mother and you when you act like her," kind of stuff.
Just got to pick your battles about the stuff that really matters. Yes squeezing the toothpaste in the middle is maddening, but not worth ending a relationship over, unless you are looking for an out in the first place.
The most important thing is to know yourself before you know someone else and realize that the you at 20 won't be the you at 30 or the you at 40. Core parts will always be you, but even your values and outlooks will change so you have to accept that in yourself as well as your partner.
I think the whole "show up" part of it was interesting as well. Again nothing really new to learn but when things get difficult it's a natural reaction to retreat. The whole concept of being present and engaged in the marriage is something I think alot of people ignore. We make ourselves scarce or busy to avoid conflicts. Hence the reason couple can have an unresolved issue for years.
Did anyone else pick up on some of the contradictions in the book though? Don't go along to get along BUT in the Love, honor and cherish part she talks about doing things that bring the other joy. Like watching football or a movie genre you hate. Isn't that the same kind of thing?
isn't it the same as drawing the line on when compromise is settling or giving in? where that line is drawn is tricky to say the least.
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Alright- on this whole "get"/"click" topic....
We have people we "click" with physically, or emotionally, or intellectually. If we have all of those qualities in one person don't we dance the verge of assigning a "soul mate" type of regality to them? Or is it just a matter of having similar communication patterns hence better understanding of one another?
i think wondering if it's better communication patterns or "clicking" is...unproductive for this reason: if you're like me, your gut tells you if you click with someone...how much it has to do with reason or logic i have no idea..i think it's based largely on emotions and feelings so it's hard to quantify. As for "soul mate" if by that you mean there is one person for all of us and vice versa, i just don't buy it. If you mean that you there are some people you click with so much and care about so much that you can have a great relationship with i would agree. I don't like fancy terms though and am just as happy with "i found someone who can put up with my shit and vice versa" as "i found my soul mate" it gets dicey because people assign vastly different meanings to the term "soul mate". I also think that communication can be worked on, but starting from a place of "clicking" helps so much. A huge part of this is understanding the norms and unspoken ideas that pervade your family and how much you agree or disagree with your family and the same with the other person. i have no idea if this makes any sense, but i must stop typing.
And I just noticed Erika titled this one "Alter" not "Altar".
Freudian Slip perhaps.
Alter what though?
Shannon I like your observation on the alter vs. altar.
"Soulmate" is a bunch of crap. It's mor about finding the TYPE and LEVEL of crazy that you can deal with and handle is more accurate. I think the "click with" is based more on communication styles and ability to communicate beyond a spoken level (ie body language, facial expressions). To "get someone" is based more on logical, historical experiences and perceptive natures of the individual being the "gotten" one.
To be "attacted to" is physical, phermonal, intellicually stimulated, appreciating humor and kindness.
I don't think compromise is "settling" I think it is a key to harmonous relationship. You have to have series of compromises or you will be in constant fights about everything. You just need to be choosey about what you take your stance on and why. For example if I like or dislike something enough to take a stance on it either way Steve knows that I feel that's important and becuse he doesn't care about the issue one way or another we do what I want. By the same token if he feels strongly enough to say something that I might disagree with I examine more closely my own feelings and decide if it is worth fighting with him over it.
Ok...you caught my typo yet again... I'm not as clever as you Shannon with "Read spot. Read". I'm merely lazy and didn't catch it.
As for Butch... you are holding too tightly to the term "click" haven't you ever click with someone and then the next day not? Click is a nether word for the "warm and fuzzy" feelings.
Did you ever find that a person who uses the word sole mate is a person who generally can't be alone... also known as relationship hoppers?
I've said that soul mate is a crock- everyone grew up in the same town as their soul mate-what a coincedence. But good observation about the hoppers!!
And are we saying "getting someone" and clicking are entirely different?
And a freudian slip is subconscious...
alter ego? alter lifestyle?
Sorry another typo... Another word for... not a neither word for.
and a compromise is only a compromise if you are being met in the middle about it and not giving up your believe or denied your feelings completely.
If you find that you are the one to compromise every time then you are surrendering yourself to the other person and denying who you are... that's when compromise is bad and should be looked at as unhealthy
Well it is an Alter... that's why they call marriage a life changing event, one of the top stressors in live. Marriage, Divorce, Birth of a child, Death of a child, new job.
I just have a hard time with the "clicking" concept. I click with a lot of people but don't always get the spark nor do I click regularly with them. If you look at a lighter do you always get flame? is there always a spark? no but you do go through the motions and attempt the click.
I just think the click is one of the fist few steps to getting a relationship in the first place. the click then gets changed to spark, then fire and so on.... Sometimes there's just combustion with no click flame or spark.
wow. i missed a lot in a few hours. I think the clicking thing for me is significant because there aren't that many people i have clicked with. when i say click i mean almost nothing about the physical attraction. i'm one that doesn't get really turned on by someone unless i feel a connection with them. how physically attracted i am depends a lot on how engaged i am with them in all the other aspects...i'm trying to think if i ever thought i had a connection with someone but didn't later...i guess i tend to have a few very meaningful friendships/relationships. part of the problem i have with relationships is opening up...it takes me a long time to do that, i hate feeling vulnerable. we all hate rejection, but i take it to heart when the pepsi maching won't take my dollar. ;)
I have been pondering the whole "clicking" vs "getting someone" I agree with Maureen that there is a difference and "getting" having to do with history.
You can "get" someone's crazy. You may not like what happens but you can predict it due to past experiences, growing up with them, whatever.
As far as clicking w/ someone then not clicking later....
I have clicked with people only to realize I was clicking with a presented form of the person. When I got to know them better, I've discovered that we didn't really click at all cause who I saw originally wasn't them at all.
And Erika I'm not picking on your typos. I just love the fact that your typos add a whole new meaning to what your saying.
For example- soul mate was replaced by sole mate.
It's awesome!!
i think there are people i've felt a connection with...but later something else will make it not worth it. One relationship i was in she had a lot of issues and i couldn't handle that in a relationship, but we're still good friends. i haven't had a lot of fake peope that i've dated. i would think that is something women face a little more than guys, but i don't know.
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